Sunday, February 27, 2011

February is a bad month for me.

February is a bad month for me. I was born in February and every year I feel so depressed. I am happy that I am not dead, but I spend most of my time wondering what purpose I am serving. I have not spent any time crocheting or knitting the entire month. I have spent time reading. I have read The Itch, by Benilde Little and I am reading Who Does She Think She Is? by Benilde Little since my last post. A lot has happened since my last post. A very dear friend of my had what I think was a stroke. This was very upsetting because less than two hours before this we were together and did not seem to have any problems. I get a call from my daughter and she told me I needed to go to the hospital. Life is a fragile thing. I need to knit or crochet. If I could push myself to knit or crochet I think I would feel better. It is very hard to do the things you enjoy when you feel like your very life is being sucked away almost seven days a week. My mother and I went to Costco and Harris Teeter this weekend. I love both stores. I paid a visit to Borders too. The Borders in Greensboro is closing. When the store closes the closes store to me will be in Winston Salem. I brought the book Sock Yarn One-Skein Wonders. I feel so sad that at 47 I am not in a better place. I feel bad that I don't know how to move into a better place and be satisfied with my life. I still can't help but wonder how things would have been for me if I had been born smart enough to go to college. I got rid of my gray today. I put a semi permanent dye on my hair. I am trying to go natural and I am afraid to go ahead and do the big chop. This means cut all the relaxed hair out and just leave the natural unrelaxed hair. My plan is to make myself knit or crochet next week. I need out of this funk.

8 comments:

Little Wren said...

You know what, just because you didn't go to college doesn't mean you aren't smart. I think life is about much more than that. For example, how many lives did your life touch in February? You spent valuable life time with your friend before they had a stroke. You spend valuable life time crocheting or knitting and you give some of those things to others, enriching their lives. You blog about your experiences and touch even more lives of people you don't even know. Me for example. Please don't sell yourself short. February is a good month because you were presented to this world as a gift and you give of yourself every single day and make other people's lives better for it. There's my two cents for what it's worth. :)

Monica said...

What is it about being born in feb i too was born in feb 10 and i too am in a funk depressed and wondering what is my purpose what is my worth.I have let my mind second guess eveything i do from the way i talk.. to the way i think.But i have faith in God that he will get me through this vally in my life and soon i will be on top of the mountain.I on the other hand have been knitting and been producing some work but my interest is low.I hope u feel better soon.God doesnt give us more then we can handle we just need to trust him.

Helen Dooley said...

Hi My name is Helen, I came across your blog by clicking next along the top of my blog. I read this post and my heart went out to you. I am 42 and in the same boat as you are. I was a stay home mom and then one day I broke. It has been 9 yrs but now Im working really hard to leave my house and try to find my way. I think because of how we were raised ( the day and age) we weren't given direction. Don't think your not smart, I found that the problems I had as a kid in school is a real thing and NOW I can work with it to make my life whatever. I think that having the talent to crochet and knit is wonderful. I can not knit. I try and fail but I can crochet. That is so ingenious to make crispies in a cake pan. Thanks so much for the idea. I agree with little wren- you touched me today, You raised a daughter and trust me I have 2 and a son- not an easy job. Chin up. He is there for you. HUGS!

Deneen said...

Little Wren is right. Going to college isn't about being smart. You my dear friend, are being too hard on yourself.

February seems to be a bad month for a lot of people, winter blues I think. You have to look at what you do have and what you have accomplished. My mantra is "No regrets, all life lessons" and I live by that. We all wonder "What if?", but without going through some of what I have gone through, I wouldn't be where I am now, have my wonderful daughter...life throws us curve balls all the time. Don't look back, look ahead. Heck, maybe take a college course or two. I've been planning to go back and pursue another degree for years; no money for it now, daughter still a bit young, but I will do it. All in due time.

Donna L said...

I have a lot of problems with depression, and part of it is definitely genetic. I'm taking medication to help me through the really bad times. I'm finding that setting small goals for myself is helpful--setting a goal for reading books or learning to knit a dishcloth. You're definitely not stupid! You could try taking a night class at a community college or at a community center. I'll bet you'd be a good teacher of crochet and knitting. Don't give up on yourself!

katchie carlson said...

i know none of you know me, but i was bored and love to just hit next blog and read random blogs! i'm kk and am so sad that you are having to go through this. i too have been where you are, lost a close friend a year and a half ago and went through a time when i was very discontent. believe it or not but i knit too, and also play tennis. i wasn't having fun or happy though. nothing really cheered me up. but then i realized that nothing in this world-tennis, knitting, friends, family could satisfy me, only the god of the universe can. i have learned so much from the situation, and i've learned that he loves me very much, and have to trust in him that he will take care of me. take comfort that he knows your every thought and he is in control everything. ill be praying for you, love,
kk
2corinthians5:17

katchie carlson said...

ok, i know none of you know me, but i'm kk.i was bored and love to read random peoples blogs and i came across yours. i too knit and have been where you have been. i lost a dear friend and went through the discontentment your going through. it definitely stinks but i don't regret it. I learned that the things i love the most, and don't think i could live without couldn't satisfy me. i learned there was only one thing that could quench my thirst. it was jesus, the god of the universe!! since then i have experienced his incredible love, and sweet forgiveness. he has taught and is teaching me to trust in him in everything. take comfort that you may not know him, but he knows your every thought, and is in control of everything. i'll be praying for you, and hope you experience god's wonderful blessings. love,
kk
2corinthians5:17

katchie carlson said...

im sorry i commented twice...i thought my first one deleted!!!